 Notice. New forum software under development. It's going to miss a few functions and look a bit ugly for a while, but I'm working on it full time now as the old forum was too unstable. Couple days, all good. If you notice any issues, please contact me. |
Forum Index : Other Stuff : Just a laugh
Page 1 of 2   |
|||||
| Author | Message | ||||
Downwind Guru  Joined: 09/09/2009 Location: AustraliaPosts: 2333 |
Just to lighten the day thought i start a thread on a few jokes, Please add to it. ************************************************************ *************************************** An Irishman is cleaning his rifle at the kitchen table one evening, his wife is washing the dishes when suddenly the rifle accidentally discharges and shoots his wife, who falls in a heap at the kitchen sink. In a confused state of shock and panic, the Irishman rushes to the phone and dials 000. Irishman: "Help!!! It's my wife!!! I've accidentally shot her......I've killed her." Operator: "Please calm yourself sir, we can't help you if you are in such a state....now can you first make sure your wife is actually dead." *click* BANG! Irishman: "Okay, done that......what should i do next?" ************************************************************ ****** BLONDE PAINTER **************This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said.... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS. ****************A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts. A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" "Why, officer?" asks the blonde. "Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed." "Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I must have left my baby on the bus!" *******************One day a blonde comes out of the tanning salon. She wants to make some money so she goes to one of the rich neighborhoods. She rings the door bell and says, "HI, is there anything I could do for your house or you???" The man thinks and says, "Sure, can paint my porch. You will find all the stuff in the garage." The girl says, "O.K., How much will you pay me?" The man says, "How much does fifty bucks sound?" The blonde quickly agrees and get straight to work. The wife who had heard the conversation inside says, "50 bucks, I hope she knows the porch goes all around the house!" 25 minutes later the girl knocks on the door and says, "O.K. I am done. Can I have my money now?" Surprised the man replies, "O.K. Let me get the money" He comes back and the girl says as she is leaving, "By the way, it's a Ferrari, not a Porch!" ****************A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No, Honey, it's because you're 25." Sometimes it just works |
||||
| Downwind Guru Joined: 09/09/2009 Location: AustraliaPosts: 2333 |
Sometimes it just works |
||||
| Downwind Guru Joined: 09/09/2009 Location: AustraliaPosts: 2333 |
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!" Sometimes it just works |
||||
| Downwind Guru Joined: 09/09/2009 Location: AustraliaPosts: 2333 |
These were sent to me by Bob in an email. They are photos of "alleged" female drivers. 
I wonder who told her to wash the car?? 
Sometimes it just works |
||||
Sonny Regular Member  Joined: 17/01/2010 Location: United StatesPosts: 66 |
It's Hell to be Old OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open. a complete novice |
||||
| brucedownunder2 Guru Joined: 14/09/2005 Location: AustraliaPosts: 1548 |
The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administered clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork notices that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified." Next day the Pope is called the Hell's staff bids him farewell. ON the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have chat. "Sorry about the mix up," apologises the Pope. "No problem" replied Tiger Woods. Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven." Tiger: "Why is that" Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary. Tiger :"You're a day late." Have a happy day,, Bruce Bushboy |
||||
Greenbelt Guru Joined: 11/01/2009 Location: United StatesPosts: 566 |
I think that this is exactly the way we are sometimes. In a small Texas town, (Mt. Vernon) Drummond's bar began construction on a new building to increase their business... The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground. The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork... At the hearing he commented, 'I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it apears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not. Time has proven that I am blind to the Obvious, some of the above may be True? |
||||
| Downwind Guru Joined: 09/09/2009 Location: AustraliaPosts: 2333 |
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years." Sometimes it just works |
||||
| Downwind Guru Joined: 09/09/2009 Location: AustraliaPosts: 2333 |
An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old man looked at his wife and said "f**k you!" A few minutes passed when the woman turned and said the same thing to her husband. After about half an hour of this the old man said "I'll never understand why kids today like this oral sex so much!" Sometimes it just works |
||||
| Sonny Regular Member Joined: 17/01/2010 Location: United StatesPosts: 66 |
Subject: Universal Laws JUST HAD TO SEND YOU THIS ONE ALWAYS HAPPENS AT THE WRONG TIME NO NEED TO ANSWER IT WILL HAPPEN ARK Universal Laws 1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. 2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped will roll to the least accessible corner. 3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. 5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. 6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). 7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. 8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. 10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. Those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk. 12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly (jam/marmalade) sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. 15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly. 17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet. 18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor; by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don 't make an appointment and you'll stay sick. a complete novice |
||||
MacGyver Guru Joined: 12/05/2009 Location: United StatesPosts: 1329 |
Lawyer Joke What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? Answer: One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking, scavenger and the other's a fish. Nothing difficult is ever easy! Perhaps better stated in the words of Morgan Freeman, "Where there is no struggle, there is no progress!" Copeville, Texas |
||||
| Greenbelt Guru Joined: 11/01/2009 Location: United StatesPosts: 566 |
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w"with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl. Time has proven that I am blind to the Obvious, some of the above may be True? |
||||
| Downwind Guru Joined: 09/09/2009 Location: AustraliaPosts: 2333 |
An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." *** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." *** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. *** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered." Sometimes it just works |
||||
| Downwind Guru Joined: 09/09/2009 Location: AustraliaPosts: 2333 |
Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve. "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor." "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!" So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "sh*t! THAT'S the word!??? Sometimes it just works |
||||
Poss Newbie  Joined: 27/09/2009 Location: AustraliaPosts: 30 |
A gay guy's partner likes hairy chests but he does not have one so he goes to see his doctor he says "Doc my partner likes hairy chests but as you can see I don't. Is there anything I can do to grow a decent hairy chest ?" He's doctor tells him if he rubs vaselene into his chest morning and night after a few weeks he will have a healthy hairy chest. So one morning he is in the bathroom rubbing the vaselene into his chest and his partner walks in on him "What are you doing ?" says his partner Well I know how much you like a hairy chest so I went to the doctor to see what I could do, and he said if I rub vaselene into my chest it will grow hairy. "What a load of crap, if that was true you would have a ponytail hanging out your ar#e by now !!!!! A brave man may not live for long, but a careful man does not live at all. |
||||
| MacGyver Guru Joined: 12/05/2009 Location: United StatesPosts: 1329 |
Men Only As we age, our powers of concentration diminish. Use the following link to test yours: Concentration Test  Nothing difficult is ever easy! Perhaps better stated in the words of Morgan Freeman, "Where there is no struggle, there is no progress!" Copeville, Texas |
||||
| Downwind Guru Joined: 09/09/2009 Location: AustraliaPosts: 2333 |
Hint if you watch the T!#$ Errr girl the patten remains the same. But she do make my eyes wobble 
Pete Sometimes it just works |
||||
Tinker Guru Joined: 07/11/2007 Location: AustraliaPosts: 1904 |
I got it on the third try     Klaus |
||||
| brucedownunder2 Guru Joined: 14/09/2005 Location: AustraliaPosts: 1548 |
Oh, did you have to answer a question ? Bushboy |
||||
| Downwind Guru Joined: 09/09/2009 Location: AustraliaPosts: 2333 |
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?" Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?" "67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the cop. "But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?" Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!" The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?" "I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob. "What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman. "I'm a rectum stretcher!" The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across." The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?" Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!" Sometimes it just works |
||||
| Page 1 of 2 |
|||||
 Print this page |
